It's all coming to an end, or at least a pause.

Life has been crazy. I just finished up my first quarter as a real college kid and I really couldn't have asked for a better time. This quarter was everything I wanted it to be and more. I made some incredibly good friends, had some even better times, and learned more about myself and the people around me than I have in a while. In the past ten weeks I've studied during the week, partied on the weekend, and managed to work 20 plus hours a week somewhere in there. To say that I am a little burnt out is an understatement. I've had the time of my life so far this year but even too much fun is a bad thing. I'm ready to do a whole lot of nothing, I'm ready to be bored and lonely for a while.

To catch up on the quarter I've had would take writing a book so I'll just highlight the important stuff. Living in the dorms has been ridiculously fun. My roommate and I get along way better than I could ever have hoped, my across-the-hallmate has turned into one of my best friends, and the guys down the hall are more enjoyable to be around than most people I've ever met. I've made some interesting decisions this quarter but then again what college kid hasn't? None of them were too stupid and if nothing else make for a good story of "remember when I...?".  This has been the time for me to figure out what I am and am not ok with, and I'm beginning to realize I'm not as uptight as everyone has always made me out to be. Loosening up this year and just going with the flow has lead me to some of the most enjoyable times this I've ever had. Don't think that my quarter has been all fun and games though, I switched my major to accounting which included vast amounts of homework and studying, I started working my first real job and have since worked way too many hours, and have overall been attempting to keep my shit together. All my life has consisted of lately has been class, work, friends, and homework, and to be completely honest I'm ready to avoid all of these things for the next month.

I'm going to miss all of the friends I've made when they leave me over break but some alone time and family time sounds just about right at the moment. But before they leave I'm waking them all up and forcing them to get brunch with me. I'll try to post slightly more often but no promises can be made.

and the count down begins

I know, I know I've been really awful at keeping up with this. It'll probably only get worse, but while I'm thinking about it I'll give an update.

So t-minus 25 days till I move into the dorms, and let's just say that the 1st cannot come soon enough. I've officially got everything I think I'm going to need other than some food stuff that I'm not gonna want to get until I actually get in there. I've already met some new people and I am registered for classes. It's right about this time that it becomes pretty apparent how truly impatient I am. Sure this summer has gone by incredibly fast but I still feel like it's dragging on.  Not only am I unbelievably excited to be in the dorms and finally getting the whole college experience, I'm also just ready for cooler weather, being able to wear hoodies and jeans, apple cider, football games, and all of the fun that comes along with fall.

I am officially an adult now, the big 18 and yeah it's treating me pretty well. Granted I haven't really done anything yet that I couldn't do before. I'm thinking about doing something crazy like getting my ear pierced haha. I do like that I have the options of doing things though even if I probably won't take advantage of like half of them. Regardless though I am now a big kid and I'm loving it.

Nothing too crazy has been going on in my life lately. Taylor and Dom were down this weekend which was fun, I've done a lot of organizing, I'm trying to get back into the rhythm of working out, and other than that my life has consisted of doing school work and sitting by the pool with the boys.

I haven't really come up with any new thought on life. What I've been focusing most on lately is being completely honest with people. I've always been a fairly blunt person I just want to make sure that people can count on me, if for no other reason than that I'll tell the truth. Like always it's a work in progress. I am a girl and lying is supposedly in our nature. I just want to make sure it's obvious that with me what you see is what you get.

Well that's about all I have to say, not very exciting but hey at least it's something. 

and it all goes on...

It's been a while since I've posted, not for any other reason than the fact that I've been pretty busy and usually when I have some free time all I wanna do is sleep or veg out in front of the tv. I haven't really been occupied with big things more of just a bunch of little things. Not only am I babysitting around 50 hours a week, taking summer courses, but I also just got a new job. It's my first real person job ever and it's at court street coffee. Getting it really takes a lot of pressure off of me for the school year because now I don't have to worry about trying to find a job before I move out. But anyway so yeah I've got a lot on my plate but it's nice to keep busy and make some money while I'm at it.

So for some reason blogging isn't quite as appealing as it has been. I like doing it and I know that in a few years it's going to be interesting to look back and see what I talked about. For some reason though I don't feel the urge to do it as much as I did when I first started. This could be because I just don't have anything that important to say.

I've been feeling pretty good about life. I've realized though that I let money stress me out far to much and the more I seem to have of it the more I worry about spending it. I get an anxious feeling every time I think about it though and it's bothering me. I want to just stop spending so that I can put a whole lot of it into savings at the end of the summer. I just hate when I rely on getting a certain amount of money only to find out I'm not getting it. It's not even that I need it for any particular reason I'm just such a planner that I know exactly what the money will go towards and when. I don't know just talking about it all now is bothering me. It's stupid I need to get over it. God knows what I'll be like when I have to actually start paying for bills and other everyday things. Hopefully by then I will have an actual job and not relying on babysitting money or getting hours at a minimum wage job.

So summer is officially half way over and I could not be happier about that. I hate summer the only redeeming quality is that my birthday is in the summer and I am able to lay by the pool occasionally and get a tan. Otherwise it's too hot, pretty boring and I get stir crazy, I have to wake up earlier than I do during the school year, and everyone goes away for the summer it feels like. It also just feels like a big waiting period, waiting for school to start up again, waiting for the weather to cool off, and waiting for friends to be close by. This summer is even worse with the waiting because this time I'm just waiting to move into the dorms and out of my house. I HATE waiting. I am an extremely impatient person. Even if I'm waiting to get a tooth pulled I'd prefer it happened sooner rather than later. I'm ready for life to just start and get rollin'.

Well I got out pretty much all I've had to say, I'm going to go web browsing and continue to stalk craigslist for a cheap ipad.

Rambling

The electricity keeps going out. Hopefully I'll be able to finish this before it goes out again. I'm not entirely sure what I plan on accomplishing while I write tonight. There isn't one thing that I've been thinking about lately specifically just a bunch of scattered thoughts. So bare with me this will probably be a fairly random post.

First things first, I'm going to be a legal adult in three weeks. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal to a lot of people but for some reason this birthday seems to really be hitting me. Usually birthdays for me just mean a day where I get presents and people are slightly nicer to me. The number never seems like that big of a deal, I'm not sure why though but being 18 is a weird concept to me. All of these grown-up things are going to be hitting me at the end of the summer starting with my b-day. Pretty soon everything I do is gonna be on me. I just like this concept and am pretty excited. Don't get me wrong though, it's pretty unnerving but I think I'm ready.

I have decided that people should live and let live. This is and idea I've been exploring a lot lately. I've decided that if I screw up it's on me. Just like if someone screws up it's on them. Who cares what other people do on their own time. As long a person is a relatively kind person and is contributing something to society who cares what the hell they are doing, it's their own business.  I think I just don't think the majority of people have any right to judge me so why should I judge them.

I miss North Carolina. Way more than I thought I would. I had a really fun night at Thomas's and seeing people. Staying at Taylor and Dom's was great and I miss them. I didn't nearly get my Jordan fix while I was down there. And I just want to spend some more time down there. I just had such a good time on my trip and I was definitely not ready to leave.

I'm gaining my interest in boys back. For a while there they were the last thing on my mind but now I'm beginning to appreciate them again. I'm in no way looking to sleep around or sleep with anyone for that matter but I think I'm ready to start dating again. I'm young and I gotta take advantage of my looks while I still got 'em, yah know? I'm just excited to start being woo'ed again.

I want the school year to start. I feel like I am in transition mode just waiting for stuff to start and it's really bothering me. I'm ready to just be in the dorms instead of waiting to be there. I know I'm being incredibly inpatient but I haven't been this excited about something in a while. I'm sure as soon as I actually move in it's not going to be as exciting as I think it'll be I'm just ready to know. Like 7 weeks to go, it's the final stretch.

Time for me to sleep. g'night.

People change.

So I am leaving NC this morning, my plane heads out at 3:15 and I'll probably be heading towards the airport at noon. I'm up pretty early which means Taylor and Dom aren't awake yet so I'm finishing packing, showering, and getting ready. I think I'm going to miss being down here more than I thought I would but the idea of my own bed and not living out of a suitcase sounds pretty good right about now. I've seeing Taylor and Dom and I really happy they let me visit for so long and how much fun they've been the entire time.

This trip has been pretty good for me and I've surprisingly learned a lot. Like once in a while I need some time to just relax and not worry about anything. I've learned that people change. No one is going to be the exact same person they were 6 years ago, or 4 years ago, or even a year ago. It's weird though because people I knew down here as kids are growing up and becoming adults. Not everyone has appeared different from the person I knew when we were younger but I know that they are, it seems impossible for them not to have changed. I've learned that each moment in life creates a different response from us and we learn from those responses. We decide who we want to be as we get older and morph ourselves into that person as accurately as we can. Situations in life force us to evaluate ourselves. Every moment in life makes us a slightly different person than the one we were a moment before. I know for a fact that I am not the same person I used to be. I like to think it's for the better that overall time and life have had a positive effect on me. I really hope that I continue to acknowledge my mistakes and learn from them because that is pretty much my goal. I don't want to be the same person I've always been because that would mean I've learned nothing from life. Although people change, I know that places usually don't. Sure more buildings may be built, others torn down, but overall they usually stay the same. Harnett County is just as I remember it but it doesn't feel the same way it used to. I'm not the same person I was or feel the same way about things that I used to so this seems only natural. I really can't help thinking though, who I would have been if I had stayed here.


So that's my big insight for the morning. Depending on how bored I get at the airport I may post some of the other life lessons I've learned while I've been down here but for right not I am going to hop in the shower and finish getting ready to leave.

North Carolina Continued

North Carolina is great. My parents left early Tuesday morning and I've loved spending some quality time with my sister and Dom. Taylor and I for the most part have gone shopping and hung out around the house. On the 5th, Lillington had their fireworks since the 4th it wouldn't stop storming. The fireworks were the best I've ever seen, there were like 8 parts that I thought were the grand finale and crazy shaped ones like stars and smiley faces. I saw a lot of people I knew from when I lived here and afterwards we all went to Thomas's house and hung out in his barns. Sadly though I managed to lose my phone while I was there, which isn't the worst thing since Thomas was nice enough to give me one to use till I buy a nice one. Anyway seeing everyone was really fun and I'm glad that I had a chance to get to know people more as who they are now than who I thought they were when they were 12. It's funny how much things change but for the most part stay the same.

So tonight Dom, Taylor, and I went to the movies and saw Bad Teacher which was hilarious. Fayetteville, which is the town near base that the closest movie theater (the one we went to) is in, is crazy ghetto. They have like legit cops that watch the theater because it's so shady there. It was great, on the way back through the town we had a contest to see who could spot the first hooker. I have never seen a real-life prostitute before and for some reason I really want to see one (from a distance of course). I'm not entirely sure why I have the urge but I do, I bet as soon as I actually see one I'll be really freaked out hah. So as you can conclude I didn't succeed in my goal to see my first actual hooker tonight but maybe one day I'll finally fulfill it.

I'm going to keep this pretty short cause it's pretty late and I'm really tired. Overall I'm loving being down here and will be pretty sad to be going home Saturday. I miss my bed and my friends back home but I've really loved the time I've spent down here and the people I've spent it with. So long for now, nighty night.

So far in North Carolina

So I've been in North Carolina for almost 48 hours now and so far I've gone to the PX (the army version of a walmart and department store in one), went out to eat, had a sleepover with Jordan, got a tan while swimming, managed to put off studying for calculus, and made a friendship bracelet. I'm really loving being down here although I gotta say I have no tolerance for heat anymore. I've gotten used to Ohio's cold rainy weather and down here it has been around 100 degrees out and dry and sunny. But anyway, this week I'm looking forward to seeing fireworks with the family tomorrow, helping Taylor and Dom paint the inside of their amazing house, going swimming with Sarah and Stephanie, camping with Jordan, and just seeing people and hanging out with my sister and brother-in-law.

Sadly enough, the thing I'm looking forward to most this week is taking a break from school work and childcare. As soon as I finally take this calc quiz that I know nothing on it, I will be done with anything school related for the next week and I don't have to babysit while I am down here cause my parents and the boys are going back home Tuesday while I stay here till Saturday. It's sounds dumb cause summer is only like 4 weeks along but I'm already a little burnt out and I think a week off will do me a lot of good.

I really need to work on not stressing myself out cause I do it a lot. I'm gonna try to take this week to calm myself down and just relax for a while. Hopefully I'll be able to stay that way after I get back home. I guess we shall see. But for right now I am going to go eat shish kabobs with my family.

It's been a while

So I've been relatively busy lately which has been pretty nice but also not allowed me to post a whole lot. Last week I went to a pond with a bunch of friends an swam. It was really fun I just wish the fish hadn't attacked my belly button. I'm serious, I have fish bite marks on my stomach. It was an interesting yet frightening experience. After swimming with what might as well been sharks we got delicious wings in West Virginia at a place with really bad service, it ended up being worth the wait. Then this last weekend I drove up to Greenfield, OH with Sarah to visit Caitlynn and help out with the chalk festival commemorating her brother. It was super fun. I spent pretty much the whole time painting faces, well rather faces and legs and arms and pretty much any other body part they shoved in my face. While at Caitlynn's I got to meet her family, see her hometown, go out to eat, go to a drive-in movie at some kids house, and spend lot of time with Caitlynn. I couldn't have asked for a better time. Last night was also great. I went bowling with Jess and Sarah, let me just say I won haha. Afterwards we got sushi and cupcakes from kroger and ate them at Sarah's. We ended up going to go see Bridesmaids after we ate which was hilarious but Jess and I were the only people in the theater and the electricity decided to go out. It was all a very interesting experience. So far this summer has proved to be pretty fun.

The most exciting news I've got is that I am going to North Carolina this weekend with my family to visit Taylor and Dom. Fort Bragg does a really big thing every year for the Fourth of July with country music bands, lots of food, fair rides, and fireworks. It should be a really good way to spend the holiday. What's even more exciting is that instead of driving back with my parents at the end of the weekend I'm staying a whole extra week and flying home the next Saturday. I'm really excited to spend some time with my sister and see Jordan and everyone else. I feel like I lived down there a million years ago and I can't wait to see people and the town. It's always a weird experience visiting a place I used to live. I don't know how to explain it it's like everything changes including me but over all the place stays the same more than I do. It's always kinda surreal. But anyways, I'm going to spend some quality time with Taylor and Dom, probably help them paint, and just hang out with who ever I can. North Carolina was definitely my favorite place that I ever lived with Athens in a close second. But NC was where I consider myself to have grown up. That's where I started out as kid and became almost a real person. I miss it and the people and I can't wait to be back even if it's just for a week.

I'm starting to get back to taking pictures. I used to it all the time, everywhere I went I'd get at least one picture but then I started relying on other people to take them and stopped having as much. I love having pictures around to help me remember a certain day. I'm thinking I am going to sell my old camera, which is really only like a year and a half old, and buy a new better one. I figure I'm going to want to get pictures of everything next year so it won't be a waste. I was actually really excited, I posted my iPod touch on Amazon and sold it the next day so I'll probably be able to sell my camera relatively quickly too. I just want to start having souvenirs of my adventures and what not.

So online classes are actually going pretty well. I managed to only spend $8 on books for this session and I've already wiped out my first two plant biology projects, am about to get started on the third, took my first calculus quiz which I don't think went horribly, and am getting organized for my pbio exam that is due on Thursday. I haven't gotten any grades back yet so I'm not entirely sure if how I think I'm doing actually matched up with how I'm actually doing but I guess we'll see about that one. I pretty much just want to pass these classes and become an official Junior/upperclassman at OU.

Well I should probably go do something fun with the boys that get's out their energy so they're not monsters this afternoon. Later.

It's definitely summer when there's a pool party involved

Yesterday was incredibly fun. It was Sarah's birthday so we had a mini pool party for her at my house. Jayne brought cupcakes, Jess brought presents, Molly brought cheesecake, and Caitlynn brought herself. It was nice we swam all day then went to taco bell. It was great cause the weather finally managed to be hot and sunny yesterday which around here has been rare lately. What was best was though was that everyone managed to come. Caitlynn even drove down for the day and the fact that I got to see her was amazing since I haven't seen her all summer.

We've made plans for a camping trip to the beach towards the end of the summer. It's going to be awesome and extremely cheap, I'm talking only paying for gas and cheap food like hotdogs, peanut butter and jelly, and cereal. I've never been on a trip without adult supervision and I'm really excited. The idea of cramming all of us into a car for a road trip and spending all day long at the beach and camping out with bonfires all night sounds like the perfect thing to look forward to this summer.

So classes have started up again and I did my first online assignment with some help from Jess, which was a plant biology cross word puzzle. I still haven't really gotten into doing anything calc related yet, mainly cause I don't have the book yet but my friend Scott is letting me borrow his for the summer which is super sweet of him. I also managed to find my biology textbook for only 10 dollars which is really exciting considering that now buying books falls on my lap. Thankfully though my parents are helping my out a ton with the other expenses.

Well it's about that time to take the boys outside to play and start on some school work. I think I'm going to be really ready for the end of summer really soon.

Better

So I was right, a weekend of relaxing did me a whole lot of good and now I feel better. I felt productive and relaxed all at the same time today. I went though and picked pictures to go into my big frame and made them all black and white. I also did lots of online window shopping which I really enjoy cause you get the feeling like you've picked out a lot of cool stuff without actually having to spend money or leave the house. Also I am now the proud owner of two goats, Lenny and Dave. They're pretty tight. I spent the majority of this weekend hanging out with them and my parents while my parents burnt a bunch of old stuff from the barns. Today was of course father's day and as my gift I bathed all the boys. While this does not seem like much it's actually a pain in the ass job and hurts your back. I hope my dad appreciates his gift because I did it out of pure and utter love for him. Honestly, I don't think I'd be half the person I am today if he hadn't come into my life over 11 years ago. Could not have gotten luckier in the dad department if I tried.

It's supposed to thunderstorm tomorrow and the cleaning people are coming so in order to get the boys out of the house I'm thinking I'm going to take them to the mall that's like 45 minutes away. It's always really weird taking the boys places without my parents cause people always assume that they are mine. I figure if I make them look classy and people still assume that I'm their mom then at least they'll think I'm a well off teen mom. I'm not even sure how my brain works but this is the conclusion I've come to. Anyway I haven't been out of the house other than to drive my brother home in over a week so I should probably get out before I go crazy. Both Jess and Sarah are home now so I will hopefully be seeing them tomorrow.

Two of my summer classes start tomorrow and they are both online. I'm kinda nervous about this because I never taken an online class before and I'm not entirely sure what to expect. I don't know if I'll be any good at learning without having someone verbally explain it to me, but we'll see how it goes. Thankfully though I did get a C+ in part 3 of calculus so Ill be able to take the final part and be done with calc for the rest of my life at the end of this summer. It feels like calculus has taken over my life and I am very ready to be done with it. I'm also taking plant biology which should be a piece of cake, as far as science goes I've always been fairly good at biology and I actually kind of enjoy it. As soon as I complete all my classes this summer I will have 96 credit hours which will officially make me a Junior at Ohio University.

As a nice wrap up to this weekend I am going to get myself caught up on law and order: SVU and veg out on my bed. 'night.

emotions on the fritz

I am an emotional wreck and it's for no particular reason. I think I'm just worn down. I feel as though I haven't had any time to just think and get myself squared away all week. This is a pretty big deal for me. I have to sort out everything in my head in order to feel good and lately I just haven't had a chance. I'm tired because I am upset and I'm upset because I'm tired. All I want to do right now is curl into a ball and sleep until it's fall. I've been pretty happy for a while but for some reason right now I'm just not. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. School is finally out but of course babysitting started this week and of course summer classes start next week. My mom just got back into town, my sister is living in a different state, pretty much none of my friends are around, and of course my best friend lives too far away. I just want a break and to relax. I don't think I've had anytime to just breathe and focus on myself. I've been spending all my spare time (which lately has felt limited) reading. It's been great but I get so wrapped up in it that I forget I have to come back to reality for things other than babysitting. I don't know what it is I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and like I'm neglecting myself. It's probably just because I'm tired and I'm sure as soon as I've had a good nights sleep I'll feel better.

I realize this is all pretty personal and most people don't care this much about the internal workings of my head. I don't know why but writing it just makes me feel better. I don't have any desire to burden any single person with my emotional problems 'cause to be completely honest I'm not sure I really want most people I know to tell me with theirs. Writing it down makes it possible that someone is listening without forcing it on anyone. At least that's my view of it all.

Anyway, this weekend I just want to relax and not have to be in charge of anyone but myself. I just want to sit back relax and do what I need to do. The classes I am taking online start Monday and I want to treat this weekend as my mini-version of summer vacation before I have to dive back into school work and actual work. This is my goal and chances are I won't be sticking to it but hey who knows it could happen, right?

Now that I have gotten all of that out of my system I feel a little better and am now going to finish the last 10% of my book and then call it an early night.  Bonne nuit.

How the time flies

So summer has finally begun. I started babysitting today and to my surprise it was relatively painless. The boys are finally old enough where they can keep themselves occupied for the most part so I sat around and read while they swam or rode their bikes. We did have some fun coloring with chalk together this morning. It looks as though my summer is going to be fairly calm with the occasional excitement.  While I'm babysitting this summer like I always do this summer is actually gonna be pretty different. First off I'm living in a different house which is sweet because now I have an in-ground pool. Second off I'm taking classes which is something I've never done in the summer. I have this week off before classes start up again and hopefully I passed calc this time so I can finish the fourth part by fall. Also Taylor and Dom are now out of Athens and living in their own house in North Carolina. She's never been more than 3 hours away my whole life and it's weird to think I have to go to a different state to see them. Also I miss Caitlynn, she's my non-townie friend and now I'll have to drive more than 5 minutes if I want to see her which sucks. This summer is gonna be pretty different, it's gonna be a good pretty decent. I just hope it goes by quickly so it can be fall already.

So it's true that I am a huge nerd. It's also true I could not love my kindle more. I'm half way through my 6th book in less than a week and a half. I'm not talking about short books either each one has been at least 200 pages. I love it though. I have such a vivid imagination that reading books for me is better than watching TV. I love the freedom given when reading a book. I get to put myself into the story rather than just observing as I would if I were watching a movie. It's a great feeling, plus it keeps me busy and makes the time fly extremely fast. I just wish that reading didn't make me fall asleep so easily. I swear that if I am in a comfortable position when I read I pass out almost immediately. I can't complain though, I usually need the nap.

So I've been thinking a lot about how much I've grown up in the past couple years. It's hard to believe that I am now a high school grad on my way to move into the dorms this fall. It feels as though I have watched almost everyone I care about go through these steps and it's now my turn. I don't think it has really hit me yet. Sure I've acknowledged that it is happening but it probably won't feel real until the first night I am laying in my dorm trying to go to sleep. I am under no impression that I am some grown person who is worldly and wise but it's so weird to think about how old everyone I knew seemed when they had gone through all this. I guess I'm just flabbergasted at how quickly the years have gone by, it seems like just yesterday I had just moved back to Ohio about to start my freshman year of high school.

Well good news is this weekend I am pretty sure I am going to Cailtynn's hometown with Sarah and Jayne and then Sunday Jess will be back home so I won't feel so lonesome in Athens. It didn't really help that my mom went to Austin yesterday and won't be back till Thursday but soon enough I will see everyone and in the mean time I'm going to enjoy my dad's and the boy's company and read more books.

yet another post all about me, but hey I guess that's what a personal blog is for.

So I've been thinking a lot about maturity. I've always prided myself on being mature for my age but I'm not sure that has always been the case. I mean sure, I've always hung out with people older than me and tried to be one of the "big kids" but I'm not too sure I've always thought or behaved as old as I've wanted to seem. This is going to my next goal. I don't want to grow up too quickly especially since I'm finally hitting the fun years in my life. I do want to start being a "young lady" and I think I'm finally starting to get what that means. Basically I want to speak maturely, I don't want to open my mouth and sound ignorant. I don't want to stop being fun and act like a dull grown up, I kinda just wanna start sounding and acting wiser. I know I'm a huge nerd already and my friends like to point out to me that I use too many big words. I just don't want to sound like an idiot when I speak or look like an idiot when I act. I want to present myself in a manner that is admirable. This is going to take a little more work, probably the rest of my life's worth.

I'm beginning to get back to being myself. For a while I wasn't being the person who I've always known myself to be. Sure I've gone through a lot of changes throughout the recent years and even months, who hasn't, but there was a point where I was beginning to not recognize myself. I'm beginning to be the person I've thought that I was. I've always claimed a lot of things about myself and I believe that I am finally being those things. Either that or I've started to realize more about myself than I have before. Like I've said before I'm trying to be a more honest person and that's not just with other people but also myself. I'm beginning to see flaws within myself and I am accepting that they are there and that I am not the perfect person I seemed to think I was. At this point though instead of just recognizing them I'm trying to deal with them and change them. I want to present myself in the way that I see myself. I just want to know that I am being as real of a person that I can be. I no longer want to try to fool myself and others into believing that I am someone I'm not. I believe that I am an intelligent, honest,  trustworthy person and I don't want to let myself down and be anything less than that.

It's weird I feel as though pretty much every post I've been writing lately has been some type of deep insight about myself (I don't mean to get all heavy on you). This is because I'm going through some pretty important stuff in my life right now. Everything I have come to know about my life has either already changed or is going to pretty soon. I'm freaking out a bit about it. I've grown used to a lot of things and now that more of them are coming to an end it's making me rethink how I feel about the world, myself, and life in general. I'm worried that if I don't continuously remind myself about what I want and who I am I'm going to lose myself in the process of all this change. I'm not just talking about moving out and going to college, I'm talking about growing up. I have never lived an easy life but it certainly has not been hard. My parents have provided me with every opportunity that they possibly could and I have tried to take advantage of as many as I could. I'm just worried about what's going to happen when there is no one looking out for me and pointing me in the right direction. To be completely honest it's scaring the hell out of me. I kinda guess I just have to make sure my head is on straight and I remember everything I've been taught. For someone who has tried her whole life to be a momma and daddy's girl I'm scared to be on my own.

Writing about all of this is really helping my state of mind. I may not be a very good writer and I don't even care if anyone is reading but through the writing I'm feeling more confident about the person I am growing up to be. I'm still scared shitless (excuse my french) but I'm realizing that it may not all be so bad. I just have to listen to my gut because, although I may not believe in a god, I know that I am a good person and life will be better if I do what's right. I'm a big fan of the golden rule, but my religious beliefs are better placed in a post of their own. For now I'm going to continue writing about my feelings and fears and about my character because it does make me feel better, better than any therapist has ever made me feel. Because who knows me better and how to fix my problems better than myself?

honestly

So I'm trying out this new thing called honesty. I've always been a pretty upfront person but I think I'm getting to that point where I'm trying to be completely honest with people. I'm beginning to give people my honest opinion and reaction because really you can't go wrong telling the truth. I'm not talking about being malicious and going out of my way to tell someone they look ugly but just simply giving others my true opinion. I figure at this point I am not doing anything terribly wrong in my life, especially nothing that another person has any room to judge or disapprove of, so really by telling the truth I can't hurt anyone including myself by telling the truth. I'm beginning to agree with the idea that lying only hurts yourself. By fooling other people I don't receive anything in return I've only mislead people into believing something that isn't true. And again I'm not talking about supplying everyone with every detail of my life, but if it is something that I believe they have a right to know or I trust them to know then I am going to indulge in telling them. I've also begun to learn that as long as you are truthful and upfront with a person to begin with they usually won't hold it against you. Most of my friends and people I have met throughout my life end up being more hurt by the discovery that you didn't trust them with the truth than by what the truth actually ends up being.So overall I'm just beginning to see that lying is not really a useful tool in life any longer. How am I supposed to expect people to like who I really am if I don't want them to know who that is.

Also an update on how this focusing on my own happiness is going. It is going wonderfully. I've realized that I am beginning to be a better friend as a result. Of course it's going one friend at a time so if you believe I haven't yet it is probably because I haven't seen or talked to you recently. Anyways I know that I am beginning to be happy so I feel as though I am focusing on my friendships more. I've realized that my friends do make me happy when I treat them how I've been expecting to be treated. I know pretty lame that whole treating people how you want to be treated stuff  but I mean hey it's pretty good advice. Anyway this is pretty much stemming from the idea that if a person makes me happy then I want them in my life. The only way I'm going to be able to keep them is I treat them well. So yeah now you see where I am coming from. I just wanna start actually being there for the people I care about. Sure it's all kinda coming from me being selfish 'cause they make me happy and I'd really like it if they were there for me when I need them. In order to expect that of them though I need to do the same. There simply are just some people in my life I don't want to lose.

Speaking of things that make me happy, I'm officially half way done with finals and I don't have another one till Thursday so I can spend the rest of today and tomorrow reading my kindle and relaxing. I've already read two over 200 page books since Friday and am halfway through my third and this is on top of studying for 2 finals and babysitting most of the time. So yeah now it is truly apparent how big of a geek I am and you know what I like it,  it makes me happy. Some time within this week though I need to hang out with my friends, especially Cailtynn 'cause she's leaving me to go back home for the summer and I am awfully sad about it. Oh and Jess 'cause she's leaving me for the beach for like two weeks I think it is and I'll probably go through withdrawal symptoms.

The person I really need to spend a lot of time with is my big sister 'cause after her graduation Saturday she is actually leaving me to go live in North Carolina with her husband and start living her big kid life. I'm getting really kinda sad about it. This year were finally getting close and I realized how much I love having her in my life and now that I am finally starting to appreciate her she's leaving. It was really nice though, we talked on the phone for like over an hour today (which I hope will happen more often once she's gone), then she came over for dinner and she's coming back for dinner tomorrow. I wanna go down and visit her a lot cause I still wanna be apart of her and my new big brother's life even though they'll  be far away. I love seeing them both and really enjoy their company so I hope I'll be able to see them relatively often.

Well I'm off to read my kindle (which I love and has been the best purchase I've made in a while) and cuddle up on my bed. Buona Notte.

Sure I'm getting self centered but it may not be a bad thing

I've come to realize that there are a lot of things I have no desire for. Some are pretty unimportant and are others are kinda big. First of all I have no desire to study for my finals. I know, lame. I just wish that they were magically over and somehow I did alright on them. I also have no desire to clean my room lately. Again I know, lame. Usually I love cleaning. It makes me feel good and productive but lately I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it so my furniture has remained un-dusted and my floor un-vacuumed  Another thing I have no desire for lately is boys. This is kinda funny cause I'm a teenage girl and that should be all that is on my mind right now but for some reason it's just not. Sure, I can appreciate a good looking guy walking down the street but I just don't care beyond that. Dating just doesn't sound like a worth while endeavor at the moment. I don't know what it is, I just no longer care. I don't really want a boy around in the slightest bit. They just make everything more stressful. I'm done thinking that pleasing a guy will please myself because in reality it doesn't. Trying to make a boy happy usually just ends up in me being upset. I'm not ready to sacrifice anything in my life for another person. Maybe I haven't met that person who will make me want to do this yet and that's okay because I don't want to meet him anytime soon. I'm perfectly content reading my books about whirlwind romances rather than living one myself.

I think I am going through an independent phase. Nothing like moving out on my own and ignoring all society, it's more like being emotionally independent. I really think I could grow up and not have a man around. I've been thinking lately that unless the guy is really really worth it I could never get married and be completely content with life. Plus with modern science by the time I'm even ready to have kids I won't need a husband. It's weird cause I've always been the type to want a big white wedding the family living in the house with the white picket fence but lately I just don't see that for myself anymore. I really just don't have any desire to let someone into my life like that. It's funny because most people always talk about how being with someone makes them feel whole but when I date someone I actually feel less complete. I always end up feeling like I am ignoring myself to focus on someone else and as selfish as it may be I am the most important person in my life. I don't have children so I feel like I can have this perspective without it being wrong. Everyone else who is in my life I am not responsible for. Of course I don't plan to ignore the people I care about or disregard their happiness. I just feel like life is like airplane safety, you are always supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first before you put on anyone else's. Right now I am at the point in my life where I am putting on my own oxygen mask and taking care of myself. If I don't who will, it's not my parents job anymore. In two months I will legally be an adult and at that point, at least in the eyes of the law, I will be the sole share holder of responsibility of myself.

I think I've just begun to grow really self centered recently. I've spent a lot of time unhappy this year, mostly as a result of my own actions, but also because I have allowed other people to affect my life. I'm done letting people control how I feel about life and about myself. I'm the one that is going to make me happy. There are some people that contribute to this happiness all the time and to them I'm grateful, but to the rest of the world I'm ready to say a big who cares. I just want to focus on making myself feel the way I wanna feel. And as a result I believe that by making myself happy will make people around me happy. This whole self happiness as a result of me is a big theme that's playing out in my life and also in my blog. It's just something that I am beginning to believe in an awful lot lately. I gotta admit though, it's working. I am the type of person who feels an almost constant anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach and ever since I starting looking at life this way it's begun to go away and I am finally feeling relaxed. As soon as I move out of my house and am no longer responsible to keep up my fair share all my focus is going to be placed on myself. My only worries are going to be whether I am succeeding in the ways that I want to. I am going to get the education I want and the life I want. I have extremely high hopes for my life and I plan on achieving them for myself. Pretty soon life is going to start revolving around me and to be honest I can't wait.

Best version of myself

So I finally did it. I ordered a kindle. I am so excited it should be here today so I went through and downloaded a whole bunch of books to read as soon as I get it. As I've mentioned before I love reading. I love getting lost in a story about things that I have never experienced, or reading about something I have. I love completely immersing myself in a book, it's one of the greatest feelings I know. Having this kindle will pretty much mean that I am not going to be doing a whole lot of stuff other than reading. I think it's going to make my summer a lot better having something to keep me busy other than school while I'm babysitting. It's nice cause the boys can swim while I sit on the side of the pool and read.We'll all be happy.

This summer I have decided I am making myself look how I wanna look. This pretty much means I'm going to slim down, get tan, and quit biting my nails. I know I'm not fat and actually am in pretty good shape but this summer I wanna get skinny and gain some strength and flexibility. Not in and unhealthy way of course. I'm just kinda talking about a half diet which pretty much for me is going to mean healthier food and smaller portions which is something that I should do anyway. Then I'm going to start working out again. We have a nice gym area set up in my basement and I wanna start taking advantage of it and I wanna start doing laps in my pool. Also I'm going to be taking classes in the summer so I'll be able to use Ping (Ou's gym). So pretty much between all the resources I have I really don't have an excuse not to start working out again. This whole ploy to change my image is really just a tactic I'm using to give myself some extra confidence before I move out for college at the end of summer and I wanna make working out and eating right a habit again. So pretty much I'm giving myself 12 weeks to get myself to the place that I want to be physically. It's stupid but I want that flat stomach and some muscles. Nothing gross just enough to look tone and good. This summer seems like the perfect time to be doing this so why not.

None of this want to change physically has anything to do with pleasing anyone else. I want to feel like this for myself. When I look at myself in the mirror I wanna think "damn I look good". And I mean hey, who doesn't want to start college lookin' their best. I have a very healthy self esteem (some may call it cocky) but I wanna know that I am the best version of myself whether that be physically, mentally, morally, ect. I figure I might as well start doing this type of thing now while I am young and impressionable and hopefully by starting early I will carry these habits into adulthood with me . I never again want to look back at my life and think "I could of done better, I could have been better" I wanna start being the me I wanna be. So pretty much I am going to start looking the part and this summer is going to be my time to do it.

Self realizations

I'm not a cool kid. I think I've finally realized this. I probably could be one of those party girls that gets all the guys and has a whole bunch of friends if I really wanted to but I just don't think that's my style. I just don't care enough. Don't get me wrong I can be superficial with the best of  'em and care what people think but I think I'm getting lazy as I grow up, that or just apathetic. I'm never very happy when I hang out in the "cool" crowd. There is just too much politics involved and I've never been good at that kind of stuff. I still go through phases where I wanna go back to being the popular cheerleader and be one of the pretty girls and yada yada yah, but I've moved too many times to try to get back to that spot. It's too much work and I'm never really happy when I'm like that. I'd much rather sit with my nose in a book or just hang around and not have to try. I still like to party and hang out with friends, I just like to do it my way. I'll get dressed up when I go out but my version is tennis shoes, jeans, and a cute shirt not the tiny skirts with heels that most of the girls can't walk in anyway. I'm just more comfortable when I just do things my way.

I have an unhealthy desire for attention when I am around people. When I get around people I tend to want attention a bit too much. I really need to work on being happy just being a part of the action and not want to be the center of the action. I've learned I enjoy myself much more and other people like me a whole lot more when I just sit back and relax and not try to be the center of everything. This is something I have to consciously try to do. I'm beginning to get better at it. I've done some stupid things trying to get the attention of others and these mistakes give me something to learn by. I do like being around large groups of people and I like being noticed, who doesn't, I just want to start being noticed for good things and not for being obnoxious. I just need to mellow out more which I have begun to do. I can be amazingly good at this, it's just more when I get uncomfortable in a situation that I feel the need to try to prove myself.

I don't like to be around people who don't like me. It seems simple that if I don't like a person I don't spend time with them. As long as a person's bad outweighs their good in my eyes then we weren't meant to be in each others lives. I think that people who feel this way about me should just not include me in their lives. It's not a mean thing. I just think that mankind would be a lot happier if they lived by this rule. I know there are exceptions to this rule when it comes to co-workers and people I am required to spend time with but over all as far as people I can choose I want to choose people that are going to increase my overall happiness not bring it down. If someone is not okay with me as a person, doesn't like the things I do, or simply just doesn't like me then who cares. The people who I want to be surrounded by are people who want to be around me. You know take me or leave me I don't really care either way. I just no longer care who is in my life or not other than my parents. Sure there are people that I would love to keep in my life and would be sad if they ever weren't but if one of those people makes me more stressed or upset or if I make them feel that way then we shouldn't be involved in each others lives. It's merely a philosophy to everyone's lives better.

I'm don't like being blamed for other peoples unhappiness. Unless I intentionally tried to hurt someone or consciously knew that my actions would hurt someone other than myself, don't blame me. You control how you handle a situation I can't do that for you. I just don't want people to blame me if they get upset as of a result of me. I will never intentionally hurt someone I love or even like and I will always take responsibility for my actions. I want people to know that if I hurt them they should talk about it with me and I'll apologize if it was my fault and try to make it right. I just don't understand some people's need to hold things over my head. If I do all I can to try to fix something and it doesn't work then sorry figure it out for yourself. I understand that this is a very selfish outlook on life, but I can only control my own happiness and this is how I manage it. If you can't forgive someone then you don't truly care for them or they are not worth caring for. This is kind of becoming my motto. It applies to both how I view other people and how I would like other people to view me.

I'm not saying this as a result of anything or in reaction to anyone it's just how I'm feeling at the moment.  These are just things I'm realizing will make me happier in life and that's all I'm trying to do with my life is be happy. These are all just things that I have learned that make me the happy person I am. Also none of this may be the case for everyone or even anyone other than me. I think these things make me happier because I've never really been dependent on other people or socialization. I'm usually very happy when I spend time alone so when I include people in my life it's kinda a big deal and I want them to be worth it. Don't get me wrong when I say this though, I still love hanging out with people, going to parties, meeting new people, and just socializing in general, I just tend to get my socialization fix faster than most people.

Anyway what all of this means is that I'm getting to a place in my life where so far I am realizing who I am, what my flaws are, and what I want out of life and this makes me really happy. Writing all of it down is just a plus. I love being able to form into words how I am feeling because it solidifies it. This is my version of a diary, except that anyone is able to read it.

Sweet almost summertime.

This weekend was pretty great but it made me feel like I was on summer break already. My parents ended up taking me to a movie and ice cream to celebrate my graduation. Last night consisted of my lovely friends, midnight swimming, a bonfire, and smores. It was awesome having everyone together for like the first time all quarter. We sat around the fire and talked till everyone was ready for bed. Then the rest of the weekend involved swimming in my pool and laying in the sun. Caitlynn and Sarah joined me during the day Sunday and just Sarah came over to swim today. I'm incredibly dark at the moment from all the sun and I even put on sunscreen after I was told I'd get cancer if I didn't. Pretty much all weekend involved friends and swimming. This was just the kind of relaxing weekend I really wanted and needed.

I've decided that I love when I can hang out with my friends till late at night and then go sleep in my bed alone. I think I'm just not big on sleepovers, I never really have been. I always like the idea but when it comes down to it I'd rather have my own bed all to myself. I get easily annoyed of other people's sleeping habits and I am not a fun person when it comes to my sleep. I love hanging out really late at night with my friends I just prefer sleeping alone in my bed. I've always been like this, I think that Jordan has been the only person that I didn't mind having sleepovers with but I think it was just because I usually had my own bed when I slept over. Plus her house might as well have been my house that's how much time we spent together. I'm just excited for next year when I can go out with my friends and stay out all night then sleep in my bed.

So I've started my first Chuck Palahniuck book, he's the author of fight club. I'm reading choke and it's really good kinda weird but I guess that's to be expected from this guy. I love reading. I really wanna buy a kindle so I can always have a book to read. I tend to get through a 300 page book in a day or sometimes two if I get busy. This causes problems when I finish because then I have to wait to get another book before I can start reading again. My love for books has been a relatively new found thing. I used to hate reading and when I say hate I mean I despised reading and then all of sudden sometime before my freshman year I just started to love it. But anyway this book is really good and I really just want to finish it so I do believe that that is what I am about to do.

Happy memorial day everyone. Last week of classes then finals and I am officially done with this quarter. yay!

Finding a roomate is like a dating service

Attention possible roomates!
Katie Hansen is an occasionally lovable person. Loves long walks on the beach and dinner by candle light. Continue sappy internet dating profile here.

Seriously this is what the finding a roommate process feels like. Granted I have procrastinated a ton and should have already nailed down one by this point but regardless this is not going too well. I feel like I need to sell myself to people if I want a roommate. It seems like the only ones left are not my type. I'll be the first to admit I have not been all that proactive and have just been waiting for one to fall in my lap. I've done a bunch of surveys and that is about as far as I've gotten.

This is what I'm looking for:
       1. Has a similar sleep schedule. I wake up between 9 and 11 pretty much everyday and go to sleep between 11 and 1. This will probably change slightly when I start living in the dorms. I'll probably start staying up later.
       2. I want someone who during the week will be fairly focused on school (at least not getting wasted every school night) but will party on the weekends. I want to do well in school but I also want to go to parties and have the legit college experience.
       3. I don't want a mother as a roommate. If I want to have people back to the dorm they should be cool with it because I'm going to be cool with it and also not telling me constantly what I can and cannot do. I'm not going to this so I don't want someone doing it to me.
       4. I don't mind if my roommate is superficial as long as they can be down to earth when hanging out with me. I want people to tell me the truth even if it's something that is going to upset me. I'm pretty upfront about my feelings and I guess that's how I'd want my roommate to be.
       5. I would like to have my roommate be my friend, but if were not then no biggie as long as we can manage to get along.

This is what I'll offer:
       1. I clean. I am kinda a neat freak so my roommate would probably never have to worry about cleaning 'cause I'll most likely do it. As long as I don't have to do their dishes. I don't know what it is about dishes but I hate doing them. (I'll do my own though)
       2. I'm pretty chill. Whatever my roommate wants to do I'll support it as long as it doesn't hurt me. I'm all for the motto of as long as a person is nice who cares what they do with their personal life.
       3. I'll be fun. I want to have as much fun in college as I can so I'll do fun stuff. I can't say I'll be up for doing something every night but I'll try to be as enjoyable as possible.
        4. I know OU. I can help find classes, show them around campus, introduce them to new people and the best places to eat. I can be awfully handy with the knowledge I've picked up from my last two years here.

Obviously I know that I will not be able to find all these qualities in a person. I'm not delusional, but these are my ideals that I would like to find. I just don't want to be fighting with my roommate constantly and want my living situation to be enjoyable.

Graduation Day

So today is graduation day. Instead of walking I will most likely be doing some form of yard work with my parents. It's weird I've been in college for like two years now but it's not until after today that I will be a degree seeking, for real, actual college kid. I haven't stepped foot in my high school in over a year and probably won't ever again. I'm not entirely sure how I'm feeling about all of this. Excited obviously, slightly apathetic maybe, but over all just weird. This marks my actual arrival into the real world and from as far as I can remember I've been waiting for this day since I knew what it was and now that it is here I'm not sure that I even really care. Hopefully I'll be able to do something with my parents today to mark the occasion but we will see.

I am officially one step closer to moving out in the fall. All I want to do is start dorm room shopping and planning out what I'm going to do. I'm so ready to be involved in college life. The studying on the green, eating in the dining halls, going to parties, meeting new people, making new friends. I'm just so ready for it all. I'm a little scared shitless but that's all apart of the fun. I'm scared but thrilled about all the new adventures I'm going to have. I'm just so excited to be apart of the college life for real this time. I've experienced a lot of what college has to offer but until I actually live on campus and live the actual college life I'm not truly getting the whole experience and that is something I want more than anything.

Maybe today I will drive myself up to Target and begin my dorm room hunt to mark this not all that exciting but still pretty important day. I just feel like I should do something today so it's not just any other day. I just want today to mean something more than me now having to pay for college.

Uneventful but still enjoyable.

Today was pretty good, I was early getting to class so I grabbed some iced coffee beforehand, I actually found a nice parking spot, and classes were pretty painless. After class I took the boys in the pool for at least 2 hours. This time instead of just laying a raft the whole time I actually played with them. It was surprisingly really fun and actually a pretty good workout. I let the boys ride on my back while I swam and threw them in the water multiple times. My arms are kinda sore though 'cause the boys are definitely not as light as they once were.

So after swimming I made pancakes for the boys for dinner, I wasn't really feeling eating them so I had one. Like two hours later I was starving so I made myself some fish. It was so good, I made it fried in olive oil with lemon, lemon pepper seasoning, garlic, rosemary leaves, and salt. Put it all on top of white rice and let's just say I'm going to be making it a lot more often.

Tomorrow is Chase's last day of first grade. I forgot how exciting the last day of school was when you didn't have any exams that needed to be taken. While I got him ready for bed and gave him a shower he was bouncing off the walls. I have no idea how he can have so much energy. But regardless of how much energy he has I forget how much I like to talk him one on one. He's such a good kid.

It's basically the weekend for me. I doubt I'm going to go the rest of my classes this week, granted that's only 3 so it's not as rebellious as it sounds.  But any way this means other than taking Chase to school bright and early tomorrow morning I am sleeping in for five days straight and am done with all work till Tuesday. Gotta love this country and it's national holidays. It's supposed to be like 90 and sunny on Sunday and Monday and I can't wait for a couple lazy days sitting around the pool with the family. Hopefully my mom doesn't get too motivated and decided they are good days to do yard work 'cause I know the whole family (including her) could use some time doing nothing.

Well it's about bed time for me. I have an early morning tomorrow and am going to need my energy to keep up with Chase on the ride to school. Goodnight everyone.

Week nine and still going strong.

So I have extremely good news. I may not fail calculus! I got a 100% on my last exam which means I could actually pass calculus this time around and even manage to get a decent grade. This pretty much made my day awesome. Also I have successfully managed to write my entire Huck Finn paper by 6 today. Which considering I only worked on it for an hour in the library and then started up again at home around 4:30 feels pretty impressive to me. Now I just have to go through and read it to make sure it even makes any sense. It probably won't knowing me but who cares it's written and that's all that really matters.

Sarah and Jess came over today. We were gonna swim but the cover on the pool was broken and covered in water so instead of swimming they helped fix the pool and by the time we did they had to leave. I love seeing them but I feel bad that they had to work the whole time they were here. They still managed to stick on a smile and help and I love 'em for it.

Life feels pretty good right now. Well other than the fact that my mom is out of town and my Dad is delivering scholarships all over the state. This leaves the house stuff and the boys pretty much up to Dan and I to figure out and since I'm me I'm trying to control everything. But once my mom gets home and things settle down with my dad at work I can tell that things are gonna go pretty well. I'm hoping my wishful thinking is true cause I think the whole family could use some relaxation for a little while.

One more week left of classes after this then finals then summer time. This sounds so nice right about now. I may be taking classes still and babysitting on top of that but summer time means almost next school year and I could not be more excited for that. Living in the dorms may not be amazing but it will be a new experience and one I can't wait for. I'm ready to grow up and move out. I'm not quite ready to be a full-blown adult and the dorms will be the best of both worlds. I'll have the freedom to do what I want without the stress that comes along with paying for food and bills. I'll be guaranteed a  place to sleep and food to eat without the rules of living at home. Why wouldn't I be excited.

Well it is about that time to finish getting work done and start winding down. I'm off to finish proof reading my paper and settling in for the night.

Huck Finn is an excellent roommate, wait no that's not right.

So for some reason I have the inability to write about anything Huck Finn related. This happens to be problem because I have a paper on it due Wednesday. I've gotten basically all of my work due for the rest of the quarter done except for this, well finals too but I can't do anything about those till they're happening. I don't understand why teachers assign papers. I am sure they don't want to grade them or even come up with topics for them and students sure as hell don't want to write them. So pretty much why not make everyone happy and not have papers. Good news is this is the last English class I ever have to take and being involved in almost only math means there are not going to be many more papers in my future.

So everything wedding oriented is over with and I couldn't be more relieved. I think everyone involved will agree with me that it has been a long and stressful process. The reception went really well it I was happier to see everyone than I thought I'd be. Everyone was in great moods and seemed to have a really good time. Clean-up and set up wasn't that bad either. Everything was all put away by today and best news is there is left over cake. Now that it's all over I am really looking forward to life being boring for a little while. My mom is out of town till Thursday which leaves me with the boys and my dad. When she gets back things should be nice and relaxing, well other than finals but that's a totally different story.

So I got my roommate suggestion today. I tried looking her up on facebook but I'm not sure I found her and if I did it doesn't look promising. All of the people with the same name seemed awfully strange. I can deal with a little weird but the people I saw all seemed to be off their rockers.  All I want is a roommate that is semi-normal and has a similar sleeping schedule. I feel like that's not a whole lot to ask. But we'll see, if she doesn't turn out to be the one then I'm gonna end up with a random roommate and hope for the best. Maybe I'll get really lucky and end up with a rich one that will buy me food, that'd be the dream haha.

Well I should probably stop writing on here and attempt writing on an academic level. If anyone has any good support for Twain switching the protagonist at the end of Huck Finn I can be a really nice person if bribed with information.

Oscar the Grouch

I'm grouchy. I don't know why, I think it may just be in my disposition. All I know is I really need to quit being so grumpy all the time. I get like this at the most petty of times. If I don't get to do what I want I start to pout and get mean. This shows how really immature I am. I think it's become a habit and I should learn to control myself better. I love who I am but I need to learn to be a better version of me.

Something I have learned about myself recently is I am so black and white. This is not exactly a good thing. I'm either quiet or loud, happy or mad, controlled or out of control, ect. Anyway you get the picture. Changing this will hopefully come with time. I just want to be a more rounded person and less extreme. I think I'm going to need to grow up a lot before I'm able to do this. Looks like I now have a goal.

On a better note things seem to have calmed down at the Hansen household now that the majority of the set up for the party tomorrow is done. I have to admit I am very happy all this wedding stuff is almost over. I've loved being involved and have been really excited for all the festivities but I'm kinda worn out. I'm ready for life to settle down and be boring for a bit.

Life is good. I just need to relax and remember that. Despite the belief that the world is ending tomorrow, life goes on. What matters today probably won't matter tomorrow so I'm not going to sweat the little things and just try to be a better person. I'm going to do this for myself because mine is the only happiness I can control. There's my share of over used advice/philosophy for the day that I'm going to try to take to heart and who knows maybe it'll work out for me.

Just a side note though, don't take my ranting and raving about life as a sign that I am upset or depressed or whatever else. This blog is my way of sorting out how I'm feeling so I'm writing what ever comes to mind, good or bad . Instead of doing this in the privacy of my own mind I'm choosing to do it for the whole world to hear (not that they're listening). So just take my words for what they are and don't think to far into what they may or may not mean because I sure as heck am not. I'm very happy and lucky person who tends to over share. I think it's a good thing, you'll never have to guess what I'm thinking.

I should not be allowed in social situations.

Crazy, crazy, crazy. This pretty much sums up my life at the moment. Taylor's wedding reception is this Saturday and I've been doing lots of cleaning and preparation. Well rather my mom has been cleaning and doing lots of preparation and I've kinda been her right hand man with it. For some reason I got all the grossest jobs like three of the bathrooms, the fridge, freezer,  pantry, and kitchen.

So basically there is going to be like 75 people at my house and I don't really do well around people, especially not family. I tend to talk to much. It's probably one of my most annoying qualities. But anyway with all of the people comes lots of socializing and let's admit it, we all know I'm kinda socially awkward and not the biggest fan of people in general. I'll probably just hang around the food table cause I love food and say hi as it's required.

I love my family, I really do but they can be a lot to handle all at once. Plus Dom's family is going to be there too and I don't know any of them. I'm not sure how much of my Dad's family will be there but I don't really know many of them either. Basically large groups of people that I am required to be nice to make me nervous. Yet another hint that I have social anxiety.

On a different topic I always forget how much I need my best friend, Jordan, until I talk to her. My life has been incredibly hectic and at times not so fun and she always seems to help. She's exactly like me but completely different which allows her to empathize while still being a different perspective to my troubles. I never really have to give her a background story cause she's been in my life for so long. Plus she's pretty much just awesome and I would probably not be able to live without her. There's my profession of love for the day.

On another different topic. I think I've decided to walk. Graduation is in less than 2 weeks and I would still need to get a cap and gown but if it's do-able I think I'm gonna. This is probably a selfish act because I kinda want a day that celebrates something I've done (even if I've been basically graduated for over two years). Plus going out to dinner or something for it would be nice. Another reason for actually going to graduation is I think it would make my mom happy to see me walk, and I know she could use a little happiness of her own for all the hell I've been putting her through lately.

Well I think that's about all I have to say for today, I hope Jayne is satisfied haha. I'm off to do more cleaning or maybe just sleeping. We'll see...

dirt and shovels and mulch, oh my.

I am filthy. After spending all day helping my parents landscape, I am completely covered with dirt. We had to dig out a bunch of grass to make a plant bed and most of this digging consisted of picking up chunks of muddy dirt and throwing it into the bed of my dad's truck. Now all I want to do is shower and lay on the couch and do nothing.

This weekend has been pretty enjoyable. Thursday and Friday my parents drove up to Vermont to pick up Dan and since Chase couldn't miss school he stayed here and hung out with me. When he's not trying hard to impress the little guys or my parents he's a really cool kid. Then last night I had a good old fashioned girls night with my friends (minus Caitlynn). Since I'm such a loser though I opted out of staying the night cause I was in one of those "I need my own bed" moods.

Tomorrow starts week 8 of spring quarter which means three more weeks of class then finals. I think senioritis is finally starting to really hit me. I've decided that I just need to get through this quarter without bringing down my GPA too much. It'll be nice taking only online courses this summer cause I need a break from actual school without getting too bored.

I'm just so ready to be a real college kid and not a high school kid taking college classes. I just want to be involved with the real activities of college and not just sit and watch. Chances are I won't get that terribly involved but I like to think that I'll be able to if the desire arises.

Well, I'm off to shower and get this gunk off of me. Then probably laying on the couch. I love when I am actually able to do what I want.

The dorm.

Today is a fun post. I am in dorm decorating mode and am gonna post some of my ideas and what I'm hoping to do with my room.

 First off the theme. I'm not really doing one other than black and white, well not just black and white my comforter is going to be a mustard-y greenish color with a black trim on it and then I'm going to do all of my other stuff black and white. Since I haven't found out who my roommate is yet if I go with black and white she can have her stuff whatever color she wants and the b&w will tie everything together.

These are the comforters that I really like. I keep going back and forth on which is my favorite.

I'm gonna add black accessories in throughout my dorm. The room already has white walls so I figure that adding in black stuff instead of white will look better.

  

I'm thinking about using white sheets or possibly gray. I haven't decided which yet. I may even go for a set of each cause chances are I'm not going to want to have to wash sheets all the time so two will probably be better.

I'm really excited cause since my birthday is August 2nd it's only like a month away from move in day. So for my birthday present I'm going to go shopping for dorm things so I can actually get some nice stuff for it. Also my grandma usually gives us dorm stuff for our graduation present which is super awesome of her.

The reason I'm going to be putting so much effort into my room at in the dorms is cause I'm such a homebody. Knowing me I'm going to end up being in there all the time cause I study in my room, I'm gonna end up eating most of the time in my room, and I love to watch a lot of tv and read in bed. So basically I want a cozy dorm. They can very easily end up looking like a prison if you're not careful and I really want to like being in my dorm cause I'm going to be spending a lot of money so I can live there.

I've been waiting for the day that I move out and decorate my own space since I knew what moving out was, so planning out this dorm for me is like a being a little kid in a toy store. I know I probably sound like a geek but this is an unbelievable cool experience for me and while I'm freaking out about not living at home, I'm so excited to finally "go away" to college. I've watched all my older siblings do it and pretty much all of my friends and now it's finally my turn.

Keep on the sunny side

I am soooo sleepy. I spent another two hours in the pool with the boys today and I am worn out. Luckily Jess came over to keep me some company, I feel like I haven't seen her in forever. I've kinda become anti-social this quarter. The idea of people just hasn't seemed appealing lately. I'm trying to spend more time with my friends now but I still enjoy being alone too much. It's really nothing against them, I like having them around but most of the time I just want to be alone and veg. out.

I have already started to write this quarter off. I failed yet another calculus test after hours of studying, argg. Hopefully I'll be able to pull a passing grade out of my butt this time around but one can only hope. I'm just not feeling any of my classes and am just ready for all of them to be over. They're putting me in a bad mood. I feel like I am dumping a lot of time and energy into all of them and am not seeing anything good happen in return. Thankfully it's week 7 and this will all eventually be a distant memory.

On a happier note, today was gorgeous out. Like 75 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. Not being able to find a parking spot was actually good cause the walk to and from class was soo nice. Also I got a little bit of a tan while swimming and that's never a bad thing. Sunshine always tend to brighten my mood a bit, my be something to do with the vitamin D


I'm so ready for next year. I started looking at the course offerings trying to get a basic plan for my schedule. It's awesome thinking about how I'll be living right next to all of my classes. Meaning I can nap between class, stop for some lunch that will already be paid for, and not have to wake up quite as early as I do now because I won't have to drive to get to school in the morning. I've never been a very patient person and the anticipation to move out is killing me.

Well tomorrow is my music exam so I should go study, especially since today is Monday and I need to be finished before United States of Tara is on. If you haven't seen this you should it's by far the best show that I've ever seen. Anyway I'm off. Look at me go three consecutive days of writing on this hah.

Just keep swimming

This has been a surprisingly good weekend. One of my friends from Canton, Cruz, was in town yesterday and it was awesome getting to see him and I am unbelievably excited that he's coming here next year. Then last night Caitlynn slept over after we hung out all day. We stayed up talking half the night and let me just say I really needed the girl talk. She's an amazing friend and I love getting to know her more. She's probably gonna stick around for a while.

Today is mother's day and since I'm currently so broke I wasn't able to get my mom a present. Instead, after dropping Caitlynn off at her dorm, I hung out with my parents while they planted trees and what not around the house, adding a hand every so often. Then when the boys woke up from their nap I went swimming in our pool with them (actually getting a little bit of sun which is always nice). Taylor got back from NC today and stopped by the house while we were swimming. I love when she stops by even though she enjoys making fun of me (granted I guess that comes with the little sister territory and I should probably just accept it at this point).

Now I am attempting to study for econ while I watch episode after episode of  Law and Order: SVU. This week should be really fun *written with extreme sarcasm*. I have a macroecon exam tomorrow, a music exam Tuesday, and eventually need to start my english essay. Also I get back my calc exam back tomorrow and considering this is my second time taking the class I'm not sure how confident I'm feeling about it.

I'll be so much happier with life after this quarter is over. I said this last quarter and I think this theme has to do with Calc III. I'm not really enjoying my classes at the moment and I have a constant anxious feeling in my stomach. My finger nails will vouch to this anxiety cause they are even farther down to the nub than usual. I think that a summer of sitting around by the pool and being separated from society for a while will do me a world of good.

Well anyways back to note card making and getting too involved in the fictional arrests of rapists. I have to say after two days in a row of writing on this I'm pretty proud of myself. Not too mention it feels good to think back on what has been going on and how I'm feelin'. Who knows maybe writing on this will be good for me.

Well here goes nothing..

So I'm going to try this blog thing out. I'm not much of a writer but that's okay because this is more for myself than anyone else. I actually got the idea to start this from my older sister, Taylor, who seems to be really enjoying it. She started hers when she had a lot of life changes coming up including: getting married (congrats!), moving to North Carolina, and graduating from college. While nothing quite that big and exciting is happening in my life, I am going through some big changes for me.

To start out with at the end out this month I will be a high school graduate. Although I've basically been in college for the past two years through the post-secondary program at my high school, at the end of this quarter I will officially be enrolled as a degree seeking student at Ohio University and at the end of this summer will be moving out of my parent's house and be living in the dorms. For those of you who don't know me very well this is a big deal. I may have moved around a lot, but I've never lived apart from my parents. I am a huge homebody and get homesick after a night away.

So basically this blog is gonna follow me getting ready to enter the dorms and follow my first year at college. (Probably with some rambling and miscellaneous info as I go along)

Well here's some background. I'm an actuarial science major (fancy name for doing a lot of math for risk and insurance type things) which basically means I'm a giant nerd. After I finish some online courses this summer I'll be walking in as a junior at OU. There is a boat load of kids in my family, seven to be exact. The ages range from  21 (Taylor), 19 (Kirby), 18 (Dan), 17 (Me), 7 (Chase), to identical twins that are 4 (Luke and Nate). My Dad is a retired Major in the Army and now the ROTC recruiter at OU which is how we wound up in Athens. My mom's a software engineer and almost as big of a geek as I am. There is no doubt that I am her child from my way of thinking to my looks. Taylor, Danny, and Kirby are all moved out and this has left just me with my parents and the little guys.

This summer, along with my online classes and college prep, I'll be babysitting the boys (Chase, Luke and Nate) at least 50 hours a week as my summer job. I don't mind all that much cause the boys are my buddies and almost an extension of me, plus all I'll be doing is swimming in our new pool all summer. So a lot of this blog will probably consist of the funny things they do or say, at least until I move out.

 Well that's the basics that I should probably include in this first post and I'll try to keep up with updating this. I hope my rambling doesn't get too off base but I can't make any promises. Anyway enjoy!