It's been a while

So I've been relatively busy lately which has been pretty nice but also not allowed me to post a whole lot. Last week I went to a pond with a bunch of friends an swam. It was really fun I just wish the fish hadn't attacked my belly button. I'm serious, I have fish bite marks on my stomach. It was an interesting yet frightening experience. After swimming with what might as well been sharks we got delicious wings in West Virginia at a place with really bad service, it ended up being worth the wait. Then this last weekend I drove up to Greenfield, OH with Sarah to visit Caitlynn and help out with the chalk festival commemorating her brother. It was super fun. I spent pretty much the whole time painting faces, well rather faces and legs and arms and pretty much any other body part they shoved in my face. While at Caitlynn's I got to meet her family, see her hometown, go out to eat, go to a drive-in movie at some kids house, and spend lot of time with Caitlynn. I couldn't have asked for a better time. Last night was also great. I went bowling with Jess and Sarah, let me just say I won haha. Afterwards we got sushi and cupcakes from kroger and ate them at Sarah's. We ended up going to go see Bridesmaids after we ate which was hilarious but Jess and I were the only people in the theater and the electricity decided to go out. It was all a very interesting experience. So far this summer has proved to be pretty fun.

The most exciting news I've got is that I am going to North Carolina this weekend with my family to visit Taylor and Dom. Fort Bragg does a really big thing every year for the Fourth of July with country music bands, lots of food, fair rides, and fireworks. It should be a really good way to spend the holiday. What's even more exciting is that instead of driving back with my parents at the end of the weekend I'm staying a whole extra week and flying home the next Saturday. I'm really excited to spend some time with my sister and see Jordan and everyone else. I feel like I lived down there a million years ago and I can't wait to see people and the town. It's always a weird experience visiting a place I used to live. I don't know how to explain it it's like everything changes including me but over all the place stays the same more than I do. It's always kinda surreal. But anyways, I'm going to spend some quality time with Taylor and Dom, probably help them paint, and just hang out with who ever I can. North Carolina was definitely my favorite place that I ever lived with Athens in a close second. But NC was where I consider myself to have grown up. That's where I started out as kid and became almost a real person. I miss it and the people and I can't wait to be back even if it's just for a week.

I'm starting to get back to taking pictures. I used to it all the time, everywhere I went I'd get at least one picture but then I started relying on other people to take them and stopped having as much. I love having pictures around to help me remember a certain day. I'm thinking I am going to sell my old camera, which is really only like a year and a half old, and buy a new better one. I figure I'm going to want to get pictures of everything next year so it won't be a waste. I was actually really excited, I posted my iPod touch on Amazon and sold it the next day so I'll probably be able to sell my camera relatively quickly too. I just want to start having souvenirs of my adventures and what not.

So online classes are actually going pretty well. I managed to only spend $8 on books for this session and I've already wiped out my first two plant biology projects, am about to get started on the third, took my first calculus quiz which I don't think went horribly, and am getting organized for my pbio exam that is due on Thursday. I haven't gotten any grades back yet so I'm not entirely sure if how I think I'm doing actually matched up with how I'm actually doing but I guess we'll see about that one. I pretty much just want to pass these classes and become an official Junior/upperclassman at OU.

Well I should probably go do something fun with the boys that get's out their energy so they're not monsters this afternoon. Later.

It's definitely summer when there's a pool party involved

Yesterday was incredibly fun. It was Sarah's birthday so we had a mini pool party for her at my house. Jayne brought cupcakes, Jess brought presents, Molly brought cheesecake, and Caitlynn brought herself. It was nice we swam all day then went to taco bell. It was great cause the weather finally managed to be hot and sunny yesterday which around here has been rare lately. What was best was though was that everyone managed to come. Caitlynn even drove down for the day and the fact that I got to see her was amazing since I haven't seen her all summer.

We've made plans for a camping trip to the beach towards the end of the summer. It's going to be awesome and extremely cheap, I'm talking only paying for gas and cheap food like hotdogs, peanut butter and jelly, and cereal. I've never been on a trip without adult supervision and I'm really excited. The idea of cramming all of us into a car for a road trip and spending all day long at the beach and camping out with bonfires all night sounds like the perfect thing to look forward to this summer.

So classes have started up again and I did my first online assignment with some help from Jess, which was a plant biology cross word puzzle. I still haven't really gotten into doing anything calc related yet, mainly cause I don't have the book yet but my friend Scott is letting me borrow his for the summer which is super sweet of him. I also managed to find my biology textbook for only 10 dollars which is really exciting considering that now buying books falls on my lap. Thankfully though my parents are helping my out a ton with the other expenses.

Well it's about that time to take the boys outside to play and start on some school work. I think I'm going to be really ready for the end of summer really soon.

Better

So I was right, a weekend of relaxing did me a whole lot of good and now I feel better. I felt productive and relaxed all at the same time today. I went though and picked pictures to go into my big frame and made them all black and white. I also did lots of online window shopping which I really enjoy cause you get the feeling like you've picked out a lot of cool stuff without actually having to spend money or leave the house. Also I am now the proud owner of two goats, Lenny and Dave. They're pretty tight. I spent the majority of this weekend hanging out with them and my parents while my parents burnt a bunch of old stuff from the barns. Today was of course father's day and as my gift I bathed all the boys. While this does not seem like much it's actually a pain in the ass job and hurts your back. I hope my dad appreciates his gift because I did it out of pure and utter love for him. Honestly, I don't think I'd be half the person I am today if he hadn't come into my life over 11 years ago. Could not have gotten luckier in the dad department if I tried.

It's supposed to thunderstorm tomorrow and the cleaning people are coming so in order to get the boys out of the house I'm thinking I'm going to take them to the mall that's like 45 minutes away. It's always really weird taking the boys places without my parents cause people always assume that they are mine. I figure if I make them look classy and people still assume that I'm their mom then at least they'll think I'm a well off teen mom. I'm not even sure how my brain works but this is the conclusion I've come to. Anyway I haven't been out of the house other than to drive my brother home in over a week so I should probably get out before I go crazy. Both Jess and Sarah are home now so I will hopefully be seeing them tomorrow.

Two of my summer classes start tomorrow and they are both online. I'm kinda nervous about this because I never taken an online class before and I'm not entirely sure what to expect. I don't know if I'll be any good at learning without having someone verbally explain it to me, but we'll see how it goes. Thankfully though I did get a C+ in part 3 of calculus so Ill be able to take the final part and be done with calc for the rest of my life at the end of this summer. It feels like calculus has taken over my life and I am very ready to be done with it. I'm also taking plant biology which should be a piece of cake, as far as science goes I've always been fairly good at biology and I actually kind of enjoy it. As soon as I complete all my classes this summer I will have 96 credit hours which will officially make me a Junior at Ohio University.

As a nice wrap up to this weekend I am going to get myself caught up on law and order: SVU and veg out on my bed. 'night.

emotions on the fritz

I am an emotional wreck and it's for no particular reason. I think I'm just worn down. I feel as though I haven't had any time to just think and get myself squared away all week. This is a pretty big deal for me. I have to sort out everything in my head in order to feel good and lately I just haven't had a chance. I'm tired because I am upset and I'm upset because I'm tired. All I want to do right now is curl into a ball and sleep until it's fall. I've been pretty happy for a while but for some reason right now I'm just not. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. School is finally out but of course babysitting started this week and of course summer classes start next week. My mom just got back into town, my sister is living in a different state, pretty much none of my friends are around, and of course my best friend lives too far away. I just want a break and to relax. I don't think I've had anytime to just breathe and focus on myself. I've been spending all my spare time (which lately has felt limited) reading. It's been great but I get so wrapped up in it that I forget I have to come back to reality for things other than babysitting. I don't know what it is I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed and like I'm neglecting myself. It's probably just because I'm tired and I'm sure as soon as I've had a good nights sleep I'll feel better.

I realize this is all pretty personal and most people don't care this much about the internal workings of my head. I don't know why but writing it just makes me feel better. I don't have any desire to burden any single person with my emotional problems 'cause to be completely honest I'm not sure I really want most people I know to tell me with theirs. Writing it down makes it possible that someone is listening without forcing it on anyone. At least that's my view of it all.

Anyway, this weekend I just want to relax and not have to be in charge of anyone but myself. I just want to sit back relax and do what I need to do. The classes I am taking online start Monday and I want to treat this weekend as my mini-version of summer vacation before I have to dive back into school work and actual work. This is my goal and chances are I won't be sticking to it but hey who knows it could happen, right?

Now that I have gotten all of that out of my system I feel a little better and am now going to finish the last 10% of my book and then call it an early night.  Bonne nuit.

How the time flies

So summer has finally begun. I started babysitting today and to my surprise it was relatively painless. The boys are finally old enough where they can keep themselves occupied for the most part so I sat around and read while they swam or rode their bikes. We did have some fun coloring with chalk together this morning. It looks as though my summer is going to be fairly calm with the occasional excitement.  While I'm babysitting this summer like I always do this summer is actually gonna be pretty different. First off I'm living in a different house which is sweet because now I have an in-ground pool. Second off I'm taking classes which is something I've never done in the summer. I have this week off before classes start up again and hopefully I passed calc this time so I can finish the fourth part by fall. Also Taylor and Dom are now out of Athens and living in their own house in North Carolina. She's never been more than 3 hours away my whole life and it's weird to think I have to go to a different state to see them. Also I miss Caitlynn, she's my non-townie friend and now I'll have to drive more than 5 minutes if I want to see her which sucks. This summer is gonna be pretty different, it's gonna be a good pretty decent. I just hope it goes by quickly so it can be fall already.

So it's true that I am a huge nerd. It's also true I could not love my kindle more. I'm half way through my 6th book in less than a week and a half. I'm not talking about short books either each one has been at least 200 pages. I love it though. I have such a vivid imagination that reading books for me is better than watching TV. I love the freedom given when reading a book. I get to put myself into the story rather than just observing as I would if I were watching a movie. It's a great feeling, plus it keeps me busy and makes the time fly extremely fast. I just wish that reading didn't make me fall asleep so easily. I swear that if I am in a comfortable position when I read I pass out almost immediately. I can't complain though, I usually need the nap.

So I've been thinking a lot about how much I've grown up in the past couple years. It's hard to believe that I am now a high school grad on my way to move into the dorms this fall. It feels as though I have watched almost everyone I care about go through these steps and it's now my turn. I don't think it has really hit me yet. Sure I've acknowledged that it is happening but it probably won't feel real until the first night I am laying in my dorm trying to go to sleep. I am under no impression that I am some grown person who is worldly and wise but it's so weird to think about how old everyone I knew seemed when they had gone through all this. I guess I'm just flabbergasted at how quickly the years have gone by, it seems like just yesterday I had just moved back to Ohio about to start my freshman year of high school.

Well good news is this weekend I am pretty sure I am going to Cailtynn's hometown with Sarah and Jayne and then Sunday Jess will be back home so I won't feel so lonesome in Athens. It didn't really help that my mom went to Austin yesterday and won't be back till Thursday but soon enough I will see everyone and in the mean time I'm going to enjoy my dad's and the boy's company and read more books.

yet another post all about me, but hey I guess that's what a personal blog is for.

So I've been thinking a lot about maturity. I've always prided myself on being mature for my age but I'm not sure that has always been the case. I mean sure, I've always hung out with people older than me and tried to be one of the "big kids" but I'm not too sure I've always thought or behaved as old as I've wanted to seem. This is going to my next goal. I don't want to grow up too quickly especially since I'm finally hitting the fun years in my life. I do want to start being a "young lady" and I think I'm finally starting to get what that means. Basically I want to speak maturely, I don't want to open my mouth and sound ignorant. I don't want to stop being fun and act like a dull grown up, I kinda just wanna start sounding and acting wiser. I know I'm a huge nerd already and my friends like to point out to me that I use too many big words. I just don't want to sound like an idiot when I speak or look like an idiot when I act. I want to present myself in a manner that is admirable. This is going to take a little more work, probably the rest of my life's worth.

I'm beginning to get back to being myself. For a while I wasn't being the person who I've always known myself to be. Sure I've gone through a lot of changes throughout the recent years and even months, who hasn't, but there was a point where I was beginning to not recognize myself. I'm beginning to be the person I've thought that I was. I've always claimed a lot of things about myself and I believe that I am finally being those things. Either that or I've started to realize more about myself than I have before. Like I've said before I'm trying to be a more honest person and that's not just with other people but also myself. I'm beginning to see flaws within myself and I am accepting that they are there and that I am not the perfect person I seemed to think I was. At this point though instead of just recognizing them I'm trying to deal with them and change them. I want to present myself in the way that I see myself. I just want to know that I am being as real of a person that I can be. I no longer want to try to fool myself and others into believing that I am someone I'm not. I believe that I am an intelligent, honest,  trustworthy person and I don't want to let myself down and be anything less than that.

It's weird I feel as though pretty much every post I've been writing lately has been some type of deep insight about myself (I don't mean to get all heavy on you). This is because I'm going through some pretty important stuff in my life right now. Everything I have come to know about my life has either already changed or is going to pretty soon. I'm freaking out a bit about it. I've grown used to a lot of things and now that more of them are coming to an end it's making me rethink how I feel about the world, myself, and life in general. I'm worried that if I don't continuously remind myself about what I want and who I am I'm going to lose myself in the process of all this change. I'm not just talking about moving out and going to college, I'm talking about growing up. I have never lived an easy life but it certainly has not been hard. My parents have provided me with every opportunity that they possibly could and I have tried to take advantage of as many as I could. I'm just worried about what's going to happen when there is no one looking out for me and pointing me in the right direction. To be completely honest it's scaring the hell out of me. I kinda guess I just have to make sure my head is on straight and I remember everything I've been taught. For someone who has tried her whole life to be a momma and daddy's girl I'm scared to be on my own.

Writing about all of this is really helping my state of mind. I may not be a very good writer and I don't even care if anyone is reading but through the writing I'm feeling more confident about the person I am growing up to be. I'm still scared shitless (excuse my french) but I'm realizing that it may not all be so bad. I just have to listen to my gut because, although I may not believe in a god, I know that I am a good person and life will be better if I do what's right. I'm a big fan of the golden rule, but my religious beliefs are better placed in a post of their own. For now I'm going to continue writing about my feelings and fears and about my character because it does make me feel better, better than any therapist has ever made me feel. Because who knows me better and how to fix my problems better than myself?

honestly

So I'm trying out this new thing called honesty. I've always been a pretty upfront person but I think I'm getting to that point where I'm trying to be completely honest with people. I'm beginning to give people my honest opinion and reaction because really you can't go wrong telling the truth. I'm not talking about being malicious and going out of my way to tell someone they look ugly but just simply giving others my true opinion. I figure at this point I am not doing anything terribly wrong in my life, especially nothing that another person has any room to judge or disapprove of, so really by telling the truth I can't hurt anyone including myself by telling the truth. I'm beginning to agree with the idea that lying only hurts yourself. By fooling other people I don't receive anything in return I've only mislead people into believing something that isn't true. And again I'm not talking about supplying everyone with every detail of my life, but if it is something that I believe they have a right to know or I trust them to know then I am going to indulge in telling them. I've also begun to learn that as long as you are truthful and upfront with a person to begin with they usually won't hold it against you. Most of my friends and people I have met throughout my life end up being more hurt by the discovery that you didn't trust them with the truth than by what the truth actually ends up being.So overall I'm just beginning to see that lying is not really a useful tool in life any longer. How am I supposed to expect people to like who I really am if I don't want them to know who that is.

Also an update on how this focusing on my own happiness is going. It is going wonderfully. I've realized that I am beginning to be a better friend as a result. Of course it's going one friend at a time so if you believe I haven't yet it is probably because I haven't seen or talked to you recently. Anyways I know that I am beginning to be happy so I feel as though I am focusing on my friendships more. I've realized that my friends do make me happy when I treat them how I've been expecting to be treated. I know pretty lame that whole treating people how you want to be treated stuff  but I mean hey it's pretty good advice. Anyway this is pretty much stemming from the idea that if a person makes me happy then I want them in my life. The only way I'm going to be able to keep them is I treat them well. So yeah now you see where I am coming from. I just wanna start actually being there for the people I care about. Sure it's all kinda coming from me being selfish 'cause they make me happy and I'd really like it if they were there for me when I need them. In order to expect that of them though I need to do the same. There simply are just some people in my life I don't want to lose.

Speaking of things that make me happy, I'm officially half way done with finals and I don't have another one till Thursday so I can spend the rest of today and tomorrow reading my kindle and relaxing. I've already read two over 200 page books since Friday and am halfway through my third and this is on top of studying for 2 finals and babysitting most of the time. So yeah now it is truly apparent how big of a geek I am and you know what I like it,  it makes me happy. Some time within this week though I need to hang out with my friends, especially Cailtynn 'cause she's leaving me to go back home for the summer and I am awfully sad about it. Oh and Jess 'cause she's leaving me for the beach for like two weeks I think it is and I'll probably go through withdrawal symptoms.

The person I really need to spend a lot of time with is my big sister 'cause after her graduation Saturday she is actually leaving me to go live in North Carolina with her husband and start living her big kid life. I'm getting really kinda sad about it. This year were finally getting close and I realized how much I love having her in my life and now that I am finally starting to appreciate her she's leaving. It was really nice though, we talked on the phone for like over an hour today (which I hope will happen more often once she's gone), then she came over for dinner and she's coming back for dinner tomorrow. I wanna go down and visit her a lot cause I still wanna be apart of her and my new big brother's life even though they'll  be far away. I love seeing them both and really enjoy their company so I hope I'll be able to see them relatively often.

Well I'm off to read my kindle (which I love and has been the best purchase I've made in a while) and cuddle up on my bed. Buona Notte.

Sure I'm getting self centered but it may not be a bad thing

I've come to realize that there are a lot of things I have no desire for. Some are pretty unimportant and are others are kinda big. First of all I have no desire to study for my finals. I know, lame. I just wish that they were magically over and somehow I did alright on them. I also have no desire to clean my room lately. Again I know, lame. Usually I love cleaning. It makes me feel good and productive but lately I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it so my furniture has remained un-dusted and my floor un-vacuumed  Another thing I have no desire for lately is boys. This is kinda funny cause I'm a teenage girl and that should be all that is on my mind right now but for some reason it's just not. Sure, I can appreciate a good looking guy walking down the street but I just don't care beyond that. Dating just doesn't sound like a worth while endeavor at the moment. I don't know what it is, I just no longer care. I don't really want a boy around in the slightest bit. They just make everything more stressful. I'm done thinking that pleasing a guy will please myself because in reality it doesn't. Trying to make a boy happy usually just ends up in me being upset. I'm not ready to sacrifice anything in my life for another person. Maybe I haven't met that person who will make me want to do this yet and that's okay because I don't want to meet him anytime soon. I'm perfectly content reading my books about whirlwind romances rather than living one myself.

I think I am going through an independent phase. Nothing like moving out on my own and ignoring all society, it's more like being emotionally independent. I really think I could grow up and not have a man around. I've been thinking lately that unless the guy is really really worth it I could never get married and be completely content with life. Plus with modern science by the time I'm even ready to have kids I won't need a husband. It's weird cause I've always been the type to want a big white wedding the family living in the house with the white picket fence but lately I just don't see that for myself anymore. I really just don't have any desire to let someone into my life like that. It's funny because most people always talk about how being with someone makes them feel whole but when I date someone I actually feel less complete. I always end up feeling like I am ignoring myself to focus on someone else and as selfish as it may be I am the most important person in my life. I don't have children so I feel like I can have this perspective without it being wrong. Everyone else who is in my life I am not responsible for. Of course I don't plan to ignore the people I care about or disregard their happiness. I just feel like life is like airplane safety, you are always supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first before you put on anyone else's. Right now I am at the point in my life where I am putting on my own oxygen mask and taking care of myself. If I don't who will, it's not my parents job anymore. In two months I will legally be an adult and at that point, at least in the eyes of the law, I will be the sole share holder of responsibility of myself.

I think I've just begun to grow really self centered recently. I've spent a lot of time unhappy this year, mostly as a result of my own actions, but also because I have allowed other people to affect my life. I'm done letting people control how I feel about life and about myself. I'm the one that is going to make me happy. There are some people that contribute to this happiness all the time and to them I'm grateful, but to the rest of the world I'm ready to say a big who cares. I just want to focus on making myself feel the way I wanna feel. And as a result I believe that by making myself happy will make people around me happy. This whole self happiness as a result of me is a big theme that's playing out in my life and also in my blog. It's just something that I am beginning to believe in an awful lot lately. I gotta admit though, it's working. I am the type of person who feels an almost constant anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach and ever since I starting looking at life this way it's begun to go away and I am finally feeling relaxed. As soon as I move out of my house and am no longer responsible to keep up my fair share all my focus is going to be placed on myself. My only worries are going to be whether I am succeeding in the ways that I want to. I am going to get the education I want and the life I want. I have extremely high hopes for my life and I plan on achieving them for myself. Pretty soon life is going to start revolving around me and to be honest I can't wait.

Best version of myself

So I finally did it. I ordered a kindle. I am so excited it should be here today so I went through and downloaded a whole bunch of books to read as soon as I get it. As I've mentioned before I love reading. I love getting lost in a story about things that I have never experienced, or reading about something I have. I love completely immersing myself in a book, it's one of the greatest feelings I know. Having this kindle will pretty much mean that I am not going to be doing a whole lot of stuff other than reading. I think it's going to make my summer a lot better having something to keep me busy other than school while I'm babysitting. It's nice cause the boys can swim while I sit on the side of the pool and read.We'll all be happy.

This summer I have decided I am making myself look how I wanna look. This pretty much means I'm going to slim down, get tan, and quit biting my nails. I know I'm not fat and actually am in pretty good shape but this summer I wanna get skinny and gain some strength and flexibility. Not in and unhealthy way of course. I'm just kinda talking about a half diet which pretty much for me is going to mean healthier food and smaller portions which is something that I should do anyway. Then I'm going to start working out again. We have a nice gym area set up in my basement and I wanna start taking advantage of it and I wanna start doing laps in my pool. Also I'm going to be taking classes in the summer so I'll be able to use Ping (Ou's gym). So pretty much between all the resources I have I really don't have an excuse not to start working out again. This whole ploy to change my image is really just a tactic I'm using to give myself some extra confidence before I move out for college at the end of summer and I wanna make working out and eating right a habit again. So pretty much I'm giving myself 12 weeks to get myself to the place that I want to be physically. It's stupid but I want that flat stomach and some muscles. Nothing gross just enough to look tone and good. This summer seems like the perfect time to be doing this so why not.

None of this want to change physically has anything to do with pleasing anyone else. I want to feel like this for myself. When I look at myself in the mirror I wanna think "damn I look good". And I mean hey, who doesn't want to start college lookin' their best. I have a very healthy self esteem (some may call it cocky) but I wanna know that I am the best version of myself whether that be physically, mentally, morally, ect. I figure I might as well start doing this type of thing now while I am young and impressionable and hopefully by starting early I will carry these habits into adulthood with me . I never again want to look back at my life and think "I could of done better, I could have been better" I wanna start being the me I wanna be. So pretty much I am going to start looking the part and this summer is going to be my time to do it.

Self realizations

I'm not a cool kid. I think I've finally realized this. I probably could be one of those party girls that gets all the guys and has a whole bunch of friends if I really wanted to but I just don't think that's my style. I just don't care enough. Don't get me wrong I can be superficial with the best of  'em and care what people think but I think I'm getting lazy as I grow up, that or just apathetic. I'm never very happy when I hang out in the "cool" crowd. There is just too much politics involved and I've never been good at that kind of stuff. I still go through phases where I wanna go back to being the popular cheerleader and be one of the pretty girls and yada yada yah, but I've moved too many times to try to get back to that spot. It's too much work and I'm never really happy when I'm like that. I'd much rather sit with my nose in a book or just hang around and not have to try. I still like to party and hang out with friends, I just like to do it my way. I'll get dressed up when I go out but my version is tennis shoes, jeans, and a cute shirt not the tiny skirts with heels that most of the girls can't walk in anyway. I'm just more comfortable when I just do things my way.

I have an unhealthy desire for attention when I am around people. When I get around people I tend to want attention a bit too much. I really need to work on being happy just being a part of the action and not want to be the center of the action. I've learned I enjoy myself much more and other people like me a whole lot more when I just sit back and relax and not try to be the center of everything. This is something I have to consciously try to do. I'm beginning to get better at it. I've done some stupid things trying to get the attention of others and these mistakes give me something to learn by. I do like being around large groups of people and I like being noticed, who doesn't, I just want to start being noticed for good things and not for being obnoxious. I just need to mellow out more which I have begun to do. I can be amazingly good at this, it's just more when I get uncomfortable in a situation that I feel the need to try to prove myself.

I don't like to be around people who don't like me. It seems simple that if I don't like a person I don't spend time with them. As long as a person's bad outweighs their good in my eyes then we weren't meant to be in each others lives. I think that people who feel this way about me should just not include me in their lives. It's not a mean thing. I just think that mankind would be a lot happier if they lived by this rule. I know there are exceptions to this rule when it comes to co-workers and people I am required to spend time with but over all as far as people I can choose I want to choose people that are going to increase my overall happiness not bring it down. If someone is not okay with me as a person, doesn't like the things I do, or simply just doesn't like me then who cares. The people who I want to be surrounded by are people who want to be around me. You know take me or leave me I don't really care either way. I just no longer care who is in my life or not other than my parents. Sure there are people that I would love to keep in my life and would be sad if they ever weren't but if one of those people makes me more stressed or upset or if I make them feel that way then we shouldn't be involved in each others lives. It's merely a philosophy to everyone's lives better.

I'm don't like being blamed for other peoples unhappiness. Unless I intentionally tried to hurt someone or consciously knew that my actions would hurt someone other than myself, don't blame me. You control how you handle a situation I can't do that for you. I just don't want people to blame me if they get upset as of a result of me. I will never intentionally hurt someone I love or even like and I will always take responsibility for my actions. I want people to know that if I hurt them they should talk about it with me and I'll apologize if it was my fault and try to make it right. I just don't understand some people's need to hold things over my head. If I do all I can to try to fix something and it doesn't work then sorry figure it out for yourself. I understand that this is a very selfish outlook on life, but I can only control my own happiness and this is how I manage it. If you can't forgive someone then you don't truly care for them or they are not worth caring for. This is kind of becoming my motto. It applies to both how I view other people and how I would like other people to view me.

I'm not saying this as a result of anything or in reaction to anyone it's just how I'm feeling at the moment.  These are just things I'm realizing will make me happier in life and that's all I'm trying to do with my life is be happy. These are all just things that I have learned that make me the happy person I am. Also none of this may be the case for everyone or even anyone other than me. I think these things make me happier because I've never really been dependent on other people or socialization. I'm usually very happy when I spend time alone so when I include people in my life it's kinda a big deal and I want them to be worth it. Don't get me wrong when I say this though, I still love hanging out with people, going to parties, meeting new people, and just socializing in general, I just tend to get my socialization fix faster than most people.

Anyway what all of this means is that I'm getting to a place in my life where so far I am realizing who I am, what my flaws are, and what I want out of life and this makes me really happy. Writing all of it down is just a plus. I love being able to form into words how I am feeling because it solidifies it. This is my version of a diary, except that anyone is able to read it.