So I've been thinking a lot about maturity. I've always prided myself on being mature for my age but I'm not sure that has always been the case. I mean sure, I've always hung out with people older than me and tried to be one of the "big kids" but I'm not too sure I've always thought or behaved as old as I've wanted to seem. This is going to my next goal. I don't want to grow up too quickly especially since I'm finally hitting the fun years in my life. I do want to start being a "young lady" and I think I'm finally starting to get what that means. Basically I want to speak maturely, I don't want to open my mouth and sound ignorant. I don't want to stop being fun and act like a dull grown up, I kinda just wanna start sounding and acting wiser. I know I'm a huge nerd already and my friends like to point out to me that I use too many big words. I just don't want to sound like an idiot when I speak or look like an idiot when I act. I want to present myself in a manner that is admirable. This is going to take a little more work, probably the rest of my life's worth.
I'm beginning to get back to being myself. For a while I wasn't being the person who I've always known myself to be. Sure I've gone through a lot of changes throughout the recent years and even months, who hasn't, but there was a point where I was beginning to not recognize myself. I'm beginning to be the person I've thought that I was. I've always claimed a lot of things about myself and I believe that I am finally being those things. Either that or I've started to realize more about myself than I have before. Like I've said before I'm trying to be a more honest person and that's not just with other people but also myself. I'm beginning to see flaws within myself and I am accepting that they are there and that I am not the perfect person I seemed to think I was. At this point though instead of just recognizing them I'm trying to deal with them and change them. I want to present myself in the way that I see myself. I just want to know that I am being as real of a person that I can be. I no longer want to try to fool myself and others into believing that I am someone I'm not. I believe that I am an intelligent, honest, trustworthy person and I don't want to let myself down and be anything less than that.
It's weird I feel as though pretty much every post I've been writing lately has been some type of deep insight about myself (I don't mean to get all heavy on you). This is because I'm going through some pretty important stuff in my life right now. Everything I have come to know about my life has either already changed or is going to pretty soon. I'm freaking out a bit about it. I've grown used to a lot of things and now that more of them are coming to an end it's making me rethink how I feel about the world, myself, and life in general. I'm worried that if I don't continuously remind myself about what I want and who I am I'm going to lose myself in the process of all this change. I'm not just talking about moving out and going to college, I'm talking about growing up. I have never lived an easy life but it certainly has not been hard. My parents have provided me with every opportunity that they possibly could and I have tried to take advantage of as many as I could. I'm just worried about what's going to happen when there is no one looking out for me and pointing me in the right direction. To be completely honest it's scaring the hell out of me. I kinda guess I just have to make sure my head is on straight and I remember everything I've been taught. For someone who has tried her whole life to be a momma and daddy's girl I'm scared to be on my own.
Writing about all of this is really helping my state of mind. I may not be a very good writer and I don't even care if anyone is reading but through the writing I'm feeling more confident about the person I am growing up to be. I'm still scared shitless (excuse my french) but I'm realizing that it may not all be so bad. I just have to listen to my gut because, although I may not believe in a god, I know that I am a good person and life will be better if I do what's right. I'm a big fan of the golden rule, but my religious beliefs are better placed in a post of their own. For now I'm going to continue writing about my feelings and fears and about my character because it does make me feel better, better than any therapist has ever made me feel. Because who knows me better and how to fix my problems better than myself?
I love you. Know that you have many people around you that you can turn to for guidance! You're not alone after you leave home, and you surely don't have to make every decision and change alone. I'm always here.
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