I've come to realize that there are a lot of things I have no desire for. Some are pretty unimportant and are others are kinda big. First of all I have no desire to study for my finals. I know, lame. I just wish that they were magically over and somehow I did alright on them. I also have no desire to clean my room lately. Again I know, lame. Usually I love cleaning. It makes me feel good and productive but lately I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it so my furniture has remained un-dusted and my floor un-vacuumed Another thing I have no desire for lately is boys. This is kinda funny cause I'm a teenage girl and that should be all that is on my mind right now but for some reason it's just not. Sure, I can appreciate a good looking guy walking down the street but I just don't care beyond that. Dating just doesn't sound like a worth while endeavor at the moment. I don't know what it is, I just no longer care. I don't really want a boy around in the slightest bit. They just make everything more stressful. I'm done thinking that pleasing a guy will please myself because in reality it doesn't. Trying to make a boy happy usually just ends up in me being upset. I'm not ready to sacrifice anything in my life for another person. Maybe I haven't met that person who will make me want to do this yet and that's okay because I don't want to meet him anytime soon. I'm perfectly content reading my books about whirlwind romances rather than living one myself.
I think I am going through an independent phase. Nothing like moving out on my own and ignoring all society, it's more like being emotionally independent. I really think I could grow up and not have a man around. I've been thinking lately that unless the guy is really really worth it I could never get married and be completely content with life. Plus with modern science by the time I'm even ready to have kids I won't need a husband. It's weird cause I've always been the type to want a big white wedding the family living in the house with the white picket fence but lately I just don't see that for myself anymore. I really just don't have any desire to let someone into my life like that. It's funny because most people always talk about how being with someone makes them feel whole but when I date someone I actually feel less complete. I always end up feeling like I am ignoring myself to focus on someone else and as selfish as it may be I am the most important person in my life. I don't have children so I feel like I can have this perspective without it being wrong. Everyone else who is in my life I am not responsible for. Of course I don't plan to ignore the people I care about or disregard their happiness. I just feel like life is like airplane safety, you are always supposed to put on your own oxygen mask first before you put on anyone else's. Right now I am at the point in my life where I am putting on my own oxygen mask and taking care of myself. If I don't who will, it's not my parents job anymore. In two months I will legally be an adult and at that point, at least in the eyes of the law, I will be the sole share holder of responsibility of myself.
I think I've just begun to grow really self centered recently. I've spent a lot of time unhappy this year, mostly as a result of my own actions, but also because I have allowed other people to affect my life. I'm done letting people control how I feel about life and about myself. I'm the one that is going to make me happy. There are some people that contribute to this happiness all the time and to them I'm grateful, but to the rest of the world I'm ready to say a big who cares. I just want to focus on making myself feel the way I wanna feel. And as a result I believe that by making myself happy will make people around me happy. This whole self happiness as a result of me is a big theme that's playing out in my life and also in my blog. It's just something that I am beginning to believe in an awful lot lately. I gotta admit though, it's working. I am the type of person who feels an almost constant anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach and ever since I starting looking at life this way it's begun to go away and I am finally feeling relaxed. As soon as I move out of my house and am no longer responsible to keep up my fair share all my focus is going to be placed on myself. My only worries are going to be whether I am succeeding in the ways that I want to. I am going to get the education I want and the life I want. I have extremely high hopes for my life and I plan on achieving them for myself. Pretty soon life is going to start revolving around me and to be honest I can't wait.
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