Self realizations

I'm not a cool kid. I think I've finally realized this. I probably could be one of those party girls that gets all the guys and has a whole bunch of friends if I really wanted to but I just don't think that's my style. I just don't care enough. Don't get me wrong I can be superficial with the best of  'em and care what people think but I think I'm getting lazy as I grow up, that or just apathetic. I'm never very happy when I hang out in the "cool" crowd. There is just too much politics involved and I've never been good at that kind of stuff. I still go through phases where I wanna go back to being the popular cheerleader and be one of the pretty girls and yada yada yah, but I've moved too many times to try to get back to that spot. It's too much work and I'm never really happy when I'm like that. I'd much rather sit with my nose in a book or just hang around and not have to try. I still like to party and hang out with friends, I just like to do it my way. I'll get dressed up when I go out but my version is tennis shoes, jeans, and a cute shirt not the tiny skirts with heels that most of the girls can't walk in anyway. I'm just more comfortable when I just do things my way.

I have an unhealthy desire for attention when I am around people. When I get around people I tend to want attention a bit too much. I really need to work on being happy just being a part of the action and not want to be the center of the action. I've learned I enjoy myself much more and other people like me a whole lot more when I just sit back and relax and not try to be the center of everything. This is something I have to consciously try to do. I'm beginning to get better at it. I've done some stupid things trying to get the attention of others and these mistakes give me something to learn by. I do like being around large groups of people and I like being noticed, who doesn't, I just want to start being noticed for good things and not for being obnoxious. I just need to mellow out more which I have begun to do. I can be amazingly good at this, it's just more when I get uncomfortable in a situation that I feel the need to try to prove myself.

I don't like to be around people who don't like me. It seems simple that if I don't like a person I don't spend time with them. As long as a person's bad outweighs their good in my eyes then we weren't meant to be in each others lives. I think that people who feel this way about me should just not include me in their lives. It's not a mean thing. I just think that mankind would be a lot happier if they lived by this rule. I know there are exceptions to this rule when it comes to co-workers and people I am required to spend time with but over all as far as people I can choose I want to choose people that are going to increase my overall happiness not bring it down. If someone is not okay with me as a person, doesn't like the things I do, or simply just doesn't like me then who cares. The people who I want to be surrounded by are people who want to be around me. You know take me or leave me I don't really care either way. I just no longer care who is in my life or not other than my parents. Sure there are people that I would love to keep in my life and would be sad if they ever weren't but if one of those people makes me more stressed or upset or if I make them feel that way then we shouldn't be involved in each others lives. It's merely a philosophy to everyone's lives better.

I'm don't like being blamed for other peoples unhappiness. Unless I intentionally tried to hurt someone or consciously knew that my actions would hurt someone other than myself, don't blame me. You control how you handle a situation I can't do that for you. I just don't want people to blame me if they get upset as of a result of me. I will never intentionally hurt someone I love or even like and I will always take responsibility for my actions. I want people to know that if I hurt them they should talk about it with me and I'll apologize if it was my fault and try to make it right. I just don't understand some people's need to hold things over my head. If I do all I can to try to fix something and it doesn't work then sorry figure it out for yourself. I understand that this is a very selfish outlook on life, but I can only control my own happiness and this is how I manage it. If you can't forgive someone then you don't truly care for them or they are not worth caring for. This is kind of becoming my motto. It applies to both how I view other people and how I would like other people to view me.

I'm not saying this as a result of anything or in reaction to anyone it's just how I'm feeling at the moment.  These are just things I'm realizing will make me happier in life and that's all I'm trying to do with my life is be happy. These are all just things that I have learned that make me the happy person I am. Also none of this may be the case for everyone or even anyone other than me. I think these things make me happier because I've never really been dependent on other people or socialization. I'm usually very happy when I spend time alone so when I include people in my life it's kinda a big deal and I want them to be worth it. Don't get me wrong when I say this though, I still love hanging out with people, going to parties, meeting new people, and just socializing in general, I just tend to get my socialization fix faster than most people.

Anyway what all of this means is that I'm getting to a place in my life where so far I am realizing who I am, what my flaws are, and what I want out of life and this makes me really happy. Writing all of it down is just a plus. I love being able to form into words how I am feeling because it solidifies it. This is my version of a diary, except that anyone is able to read it.